As They Grow

To my first born child, when you were placed in my arms I had prayed so long for you, dreamed about you……thought there was NO way that God could craft something to meet my expectations…but then there you were; and you were more than I ever dreamt you would be. Perfect, ten fingers, ten toes, fluffy duck soft hair (a headful), a perfect nose,rose bud lips and eyes so bright and excited to greet this world. I thought of all the things I would teach you, I would teach you to read, to write your name, your abcs, how to count……..but oh the things you taught me far surpassed what I could ever teach you! A book read by me to you at bedtime became an adventure, you took me to places I haven’t been since childhood, you taught me to stop and smell the roses, to slow down and remember that life isn’t all about rushing, but enjoying the simple things. You taught me to smile and laugh when life is anything but sad. You taught me to notice the miracles this life has to offer, a fluttering butterfly, how beautiful the stars were, you taught me to stop and watch the world…….you were a breath of fresh air, a trip back to innocence.
You were the best baby, I was a new mom and worried about every sniffle, every cough, I was on edge, but you always reassured me with your happy demeanor. You taught me mornings (which I hate) were so much better when you woke up to a smiling baby with bright blue eyes looking at you through the crib. There were days I was overwhelmed, I think you sensed it because you were so laid back. You were and still are perfect.
At two I gave birth to your little sister. I worried, would you feel like you were replaced? I cried because I was excited to add a sister to our family, to give you a playmate but I longed for our little trips out! Our daily excursions, our one on one time! I wondered if you fretting because this new baby demanded attention and you no longer the only focus on my daily schedule. It was an adjustment for you, you weren’t sure about this new baby……but as time passed (and lots of fighting) you fell in love with your sister. You reminded me how there was nothing like a sister! I worried because you were struggling with things that come natural for most kids but they were so difficult for you, but you were determined and kept on…….and wow, you have proven so many people wrong, you are strong, you are a trooper! I admire your strength and determination, you don’t see a challenge as a defeat……..you meet it head on and you come out on top!
I watched you grow, marveled at your first steps, your first words, I filled three scrapbooks of your pictures before you turned one! Then suddenly you are taking your next big step……..KINDERGARTEN!
I wasn’t ready, no way my beautiful baby was a little girl……..I wasn’t ready! Gone was my tiny baby, gone our days together, gone was my toddler! I miss her, I miss her needing me. Today, as I registered you for school, I was so apprehensive, so scared, so anxious. You were again my reassurance, “It is okay mom, I will stay little, I will still see you, I need you, I love you……..you showered with me compliments. Today as I sat registering you for school, getting you a physical, and eye exam…….I was worried but you would reach over and hold my hand, letting me know it would be okay! You were all dressed up in your pretty little chevron dress, and entertained me as I fretted by swirling around the waiting area. Where did you go, my tiny baby? Where did you go my sweet infant? When did you become a little girl? I ask you every night, to promise not to grow and every night I say, “Don’t you grow any tonight, ok?” You always respond, “I won’t Mommy, I will stay little!” When the morning wakes you I look at you and say, “Braelyn you promised you would stay little and you are grew!” You always smile, then you say, “I sorry, Mommy, I only growed a little!” It has become a little ritual with us, but lately it makes me a little sadder, because it feels that you actually grow EVERY night. Today with misty tears I woke you from slumber, and told you it was time to register for school, you looked at me and said, “I am sorry I grew up big overnight mom………I will go back to little but after I get to ride the bus!” My sweet, caring little girl.
Tonight I looked down upon your sleeping face as you slumbered, I kissed you, I held you a little longer, then as your eyes fluttered close I sat stroking your soft hair, staring at your beautiful features……..I stared at you in awe, just like I did the day you were born……..again I fell in love with you again, just like the day we met! I fell in love with a beautiful little girl, with a loving heart, a contagious laugh, long lashes resting softly on your cheeks, your perfect shaped brows, the tiny lips that I always find a smile resting upon………today I fell in love with a kindergartener. A little girl with excitement, ready to embark on a new adventure, but still wanting to be with your mom. You are so beautiful, so perfect, you changed my world!!!!!!!!!!! I miss that baby you were, but oh GOD how I love the girl you are becoming. You amaze me with your soft heart, your funny sense of humor! Life as a mom is filled with filled with guilt and equal part excitement, joy and sadness, sass and class. I love you, and just when I couldn’t think I could love you more, somehow my heart expands everyday! After 8 miscarriages, you were given to me, and you were worth the hurt of loss, worth every sacrifice, you are perfect. My wish for you is that you never let this world change you, and at the end of the day if this world knocks you down then your mommy is here for you to pick you up! I love you more than the breath I breathe…. Love your mommy, the mommy who is reluctantly letting you grow up, the mommy who is going to be with you every step of the way! Love, Mommy

2 thoughts on “As They Grow

    1. No better reader, than you……my very own sister. Your words mean more to me than any author, writer, or philosopher…..you knew my struggles, you were there to bare witness to it, and again there to see the precious beginnings of a dream fulfilled…..what more could a girl want. I hope one day she will cherish these thoughts, feelings and musings of an enchanted mother. You know only because it was a shared dream. Every dream a sister holds is equally shared by her sister. The day I became a mom, you became an aunt, such a doubly blessing! I thank God for both my girls, and also for my very first girl; MY SISTER! Thank you for your feedback, for your’s is the closest to my heart and therefore most meaningful!

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