Missing the Child You Have Yet to Meet

Did you ever miss someone you haven’t met? Ever longed for something you’ve never had? I couldn’t explain this emotion, I couldn’t comprehend what was that I was feeling; it was this tangible feeling of unrelenting need…nothing could feel this void. I became a miserable person, I shied away from new moms when I once was the first to take a peek at the new bundle of happiness, I found myself..envious. When once I was the first to congratulate am expectant mommy and admire their protruding bellies; I would feel tears sting my eyes, bitter tears for “why can’t that be me?” When I would normally flock to children and find wonderment in their fun filled innocence; I avoided places I knew children would be…why? It was a reminder of all I ever wanted and didn’t have….seven long years, seven years of hopes and then loss, seven years of hopes that I would know the joy I witnessed as a new parent gazed at their miracles…then something happened, God gave me peace, reminded me that envy and jealousy were tools of the devil. I began praying not just for my gift of a child but also for those around me, for their new miracles to be healthy and safe…and THEN God blessed me. The day I met Braelyn every single piece of my broken heart fell back together! I can’t explain it but I missed her even before she was born! I felt such contentment, and joy. This, I thought to myself is what I’d been missing! And just because God blesses us beyond our wildest dreams he then gave me Brynlee! Just magical, enchantment when I gazed upon their perfection! I go back to each of those days, the days of their births, I still feel like I’m dreaming! It’s been nearly six years since I first earned the title as mom and I finally feel complete! I was missing their hugs around my neck, their sticky kisses when I was sad, the sound of their giggles, the way it felt to hear “mommy” and know for the first time it was me the sweet voice was referring to…many people take for granted the gift of being a parent…but even on the worst days… I NEVER take it for granted! I remember the deafening silence before them, the spotless house was so empty, I slept in every weekend but my heart was never at rest. Now, I wear bags from lack of sleep, my house is only spotless while they sleep, but my life has never been so full. I’m a little late but this year, that’s what I’m thankful for most of all, the noise, the mess, the million questions, the thousands of calls for “mommy”…I am grateful for all that because it means I’m a mom!

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