Will you be my Valentine?

02/10/16

Dear Fidget,

Well, last night I found out what your gender is………I must say that although it didn’t matter one way or the other……to find out, made you feel even more real. I got your mom her first pair of maternity jeans, and you your first article of clothing (2 onesies one says “best nephew ever” and the other says “I have the best auntie”)……so I was wondering, as I am making it my tradition to try to give you the first of everything……do you think this year that you could be my valentine?

I mean technically you cannot talk yet, so you cannot refuse but I know you hear me. I have 2 little girls who I worship but to have a new man in my life……well, sir, that is some very exciting news. You are quite the popular little guy, so I wanted to get a jump and ask you first. Your mommy and daddy told me last night with a card that you are a boy……my heart fluttered in my chest….seriously, like I was about to implode from anticipation. How can I be so totally in love with a guy I have never met? This is a very new feeling….but you have completely, and utterly stolen my heart.

Let me explain what being in love is…..it is the most exciting emotion in the world, like you are falling and flying all at one time. It is staying up way too late just thinking of someone, and your breath catches in your chest. When you allow your mind to linger on them for very long you get this smile that is so genuine that it strikes tears from a place somewhere deep. It is a so happy you could cry, so consuming that you feel like you are suffocating but you pray for just another gasp of air to cling to the beauty of the moment. It is fearing every basket case scenario and at the same time dreaming of every possibility. Yes, Fidget, that is what you do to me. Your heart feels like a jack hammer slamming against your ribs, it races like a thousand wild horses running through the wilderness, and it is achingly overwhelming. There are a thousand tiny, brightly colored butterflies fluttering in your stomach but you don’t want to catch a single one because the majesty of the moment is life altering. It is going about your daily tasks and suddenly the person comes to mind, (in this case that would be you) and you daydream for hours about their smile, and all the little bits of them you adore. It is feeling more alive than you ever felt……wondering how you ever lived without them…..and yet, at the same time, it feels like you will die from the depth of the emotion but it is the sweetest death. It is giving up your very last breath without being asked if it means they can never suffer…love is a strange and beautifully intoxicating thing.

It is like you are on the wings of bird, viewing the world from brand new eyes, and really seeing it like it is the first time. Everything is brighter and more, the stars, the moon, the sun, and even the parts that you once dreaded become an alluring element you want to dwell in. It is forgetting all rhyme and reason and just jumping into oblivion. Love makes you feel strong, brave and courageous…positively fearless. Willing to take chances and adventures you never would have imagined you would take, that is love, that is you, that is what you do to me. At the same time, love is crippling……like you cannot move, paralyzed by the sheer joy of it all……but somehow you are not even scared. It also makes you more vulnerable than you have ever been, and you willingly relent all control because love is so worth it. I have felt this way a few times in my life, a few men have stolen my heart, Fidget, up until now, only one has ever kept it; your Uncle Scotty. However, it took convincing me, it took me agonizing over my mind and my heart…every single time I have fallen in love. Sometimes, it happened quickly, sometimes it snuck up slowly catching me unaware……but never have I believed in love at first sight…but that was all before you. I haven’t even looked upon your face yet, haven’t witnessed your smile, or your big almond eyes, but when I heard your heart beating…it was a moment that felt like all the other little moments in my life were leading up to this one. Our hearts were in sync, when I witnessed that tiny flutter on the ultrasound screen….it was as if I had known you and missed you my whole life through.

I have yet to hold your beautiful hands, but you hold my entirety in their palms. I haven’t seen your lips curve into a grin, but you keep a smile on my face constantly. I have yet to see your eyes be they hazel or be they blue, but already I know with one look you will get whatever it is your heart desires. Your tiny little feet, oh Fidget, Auntie A is a sucker for baby feet and yours are already imprinted on my heart. I keep trying to envision what you will look like, I just cannot stop thinking about it. Will you have your daddy’s boyish grin, will you blush easily and play it low key like him? Because that is super adorable, I see a little boy in the depths of his eyes, and I am so thrilled to have a brother in my life…although I wish I got more time with him and your mommy. I sure hope you don’t have your mom’s puppy eyes, those baby blues have gotten her way from me far more than I care to count…….oh, Fidget, who am I kidding, those are the prettiest eyes…I kind of hope you have them too. I wonder if you have your daddy’s stance….the way he stands is ridiculously cute, I have envisioned him in a shrunken toddler version and it strikes a smile immediately to my face. I hope you have your mommy’s confidence when you walk in the room, the way all eyes gravitate to her…..but I already know my eyes will be on you wherever we are. I cannot wait to dress you…..it is the girly part of me coming out, no apologies, Fidget. I have already been issued a warning nothing “too” preppy….as if I had a boy it would be prep school status…….but as much as I love you, you are Sissy’s baby and I cannot imagine dressing you like that. I see you in cowboy boots, the dressiest you will get is a patched elbow cardigan for church and maybe a pair of Sperry’s 😉 I see you in a diaper and cowboy hat, suspenders without a shirt….how is it that I have never laid eyes on you yet but I can so perfectly imagine you in a pair of rain boots and nothing else splashing away in mud puddles while your parents work in the barn. I can see you quite filthy with mud and dirt and possibly manure……whilst that strikes fear in my heart for my girls….Fidget, the thought of you like that is possibly the sweetest thought a person can think. You are a piece of my sister, a piece of your daddy and maybe somewhere a splice of your Auntie A…..I cannot wait to kiss your dirty, sticky, icky face. I never thought that playing trucks, semis, or playing in a pile of dirt sounded like anything I would be enticed to do but that was before you. Can you believe it, Fidget? You aren’t even here and already I am daydreaming about dirt piles that include me in them? What have you done to my heart?

I hope you get your height from your daddy, and for my heart’s sake I hope you don’t get your mom’s fearlessness (it seriously scares me). I hope you are courageous enough to hop bareback on a horse and feel the wind on your face but also that you are introverted enough to enjoy the quiet, peaceful moments of this world. I hope you enjoy every bit of excitement this world tosses your way, but that you remember all the little things are the really big things at the end of the day. I pray you crawl in your parents’ laps and read a book….and you also enjoy the great outdoors….So, Fidget, what do ya say, will you be my valentine? I love you more than words can ever express…..will you do your ole’ Auntie A the honor of being the first man that takes my heart before I ever even meet you? I feel like I have known you in a thousand lifetimes…..but I sure cannot wait to know you in this one.

Your love struck,

Auntie A

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