Welcome to the Newest Love of My Life

06/21/2016

Dear Fidget,

Hello, little fella!!!!!!! Welcome to this great big world. I am sure you are exhausted from your journey to get here. You started your descint at 9 pm on 06/19 and you didn’t make your appearance until June the 20th at 8:58 pm. Talk about making a grand entrance……you came out all pink, tiny squeals and a tuft of blonde hair atop your perfectly round head. You were in the nursery with only a tiny diaper covering you, the rest of you exposed to this world you had been forced into. Your daddy was talking to you, ever so gently, he reached down and touched your hand….the most extraordinary thing happened; you opened your almond eyes to find his face before you feel silent. I stood outside the glass, begging for time to speed up so I could wrap you in my arms. I cried, I laughed, I gazed lovingly into that nursery willing the universe to let me touch you. It would be an hour later before you would come into the room. Since your mommy had to have surgery she came in after you. I reprimanded anyone that neared your little cart, allowing them only to peak at you because your mommy would want to hold you first. It was one of the hardest things I ever did, to not scoop you up, breathe you in, bask in your presence. I could barely contain my need, this devouring urge to just hold you, as if part of my soul was missing and you were the perfect fit.

My sister arrived, so tired, so exhausted, and oh so beautiful. Kevan placed you in her arms and it was one of those moments when time stood still. I watched as you literally transformed my sister, my independent, head strong, determined, tough as nails sister, just morphed into this new version of herself. It was like I was seeing her for the very first time, after twenty four hours of labor, when exertion etched her every delicate feature, they placed you against her breast and instantly, she softened. She lit up, she smiled, whispered a few words against your cheek, and tears slid unabashedly down her cheeks….she was a mother….I looked down at you, in this intense moment, I say unashamed that I cried tears of joy, bliss, and my heart twisted somewhere deep in my chest. Both you and your mommy were so wore out by the whole ordeal. Sis, felt bad from all the sedation and she was scared. My heart burned, it hurt, it ached for her but I knew that every moment of pain was worth the joy you had brought with your arrival! She wanted to hold you, to stroke all the downy softness of your skin, but alas the anesthesia rendered her ill…..I will never forget that helplessness, wishing I could take her pain, just as I had when she was in labor…..I had prayed, meditated, trying to pull her pain into me. Of course, I was unsuccessful in my  effort.

Then the most beautiful thing happened, my sister, a brand new first time mommy, looked to ME!!!!!!! “Will you watch him while I try to sleep off this medicine? I want to hold him, kiss him, rock him, talk to him but I physically cannot.” Her blue eyes were full of tears waiting to fall, “Can you just be with him while we rest for a bit?” I knew this was not an easy thing for her, she is never one to ask for help, and she was paying me such an honor. There is no greater honor than entrusting your newborn, just born, most prized possession, essentially your whole heart and your entire world into someone’s hands…..and she had chosen me!!!!!! I hurt for the feelings she must be having, guilt, helpless, judged because she couldn’t hold you when that is all she wanted was to do that very thing.

“Yes, I would love to watch him! You will feel better when you have slept off the medicine, and you being awake is only making you more anxious. Rest, Sis, he is safe in my care, and I am delighted to hold him for as long as I need to.” I said, stroking her hair from her face as her eyes already began to flutter shut, and taking his cue, after a long couple of days, your dad curled up in the bed. I cannot express the gratitude, the normalcy of that instant when they just knew you would be okay, and I hastily walked to your cart. I picked you up, and there is this spontaneous earth-shattering second when our world met. I looked down at you, you looked up at me, you whimpered and I whispered as tears streamed from the deepest recesses of my heart, “Hey, there little guy, I am your Auntie A.” I cannot describe the way that you looked at me, as if you had heard my voice long before your existence…..we just stared at one another, searching each other’s souls. That instant I was totally transparent, I was emotionally as bare as you had been just a few hours before, and I just kept talking to you in a hushed tone, and you trusted me. You never responded verbally but you knew every single word that I was saying. You, this 3 hour old human got me in a way that I do not let anyone know me. You got a little restless, and I was a bit concerned because I couldn’t feed you. I didn’t even think about it, I carefully pulled off your gown, unwrapped your blanket and placed your tiny ear against the bare part of the top of my chest. Somehow I just knew it must be scary, all these new sounds, this foreign place, and when you heard the beating of my heart, you fell into a deep sound sleep. I draped the blanket over the both of us, and I felt like I had been sedated. The sweet weight of your body, melted into mine, calm radiated through my body, I can only explain that piece of time as ecstasy. This completeness, it just settled down all the bits of me that had been rattled, shaken, all the world dissolved, it was just you and I.

I didn’t want to sleep but you kept lulling me to dreamland as your breathing became shallow, so peaceful that it beckoned me to join you. I fought the urge like a thirsting man resists a drink. I took in every detail of you. I traced your hairline, your tiny mouth was slack from that blissful sleep that adults no longer know, your skin so soft that I was convinced that it was made from the clouds in heaven, I leaned into you breathing all your freshness and you smelled just like I remembered my girls smelling, like innocence, newness and my heart flooded with such love that it slammed against my chest so fiercely that I thought I would wake your parents. As you slept, I steadied myself to take it all in, store it, categorize it for the times I wouldn’t be with you, the time that would quickly speed up, knowing like only a mom realizes how fleeting this newness would be. I traced your forehead and you wrinkled it in a questioning expression, which made me chuckle. I glanced quickly to your parents, they were still sleeping, and I rubbed your back before you instantly relaxed falling back into a slumber. I do not know how long I sat there, drinking you in. You were a glass of cold water after a trek through a dry, desert. You were that part of me that had been missing, and your 6lb 8 ounce body filled it perfectly. I memorized each feature, your nose, your eyes, from the tips of your fingers to the tips of your toes……I couldn’t have dreamed you any more perfect.

I fell in love in that way you ascend from the earth into the heavens, then you crash full force back to the world……it was so phenomenal that it caught me unaware. I was breathless, yet it felt like the first breath I had ever drawn. I was drowning, yet floating all at once. The days my girls were born, were life-altering, absolutely amazing but I was too tired, too new to this mommy gig to remember to relish in the miracle of it all. Now, of course I loved them, the day they were born was hands down the greatest gift in the world, but the day you were born……my days of babyhood had already passed for me as a mommy…..then you opened up a new chapter, you breathed me back to life, you entranced me and I was totally/utterly a goner. If you ask me 18 years from now I will tell you the exact amount of wrinkles on your feet, the feel of your hand wrapping around my finger…..because I knew to hold tight to all those moments because they would become memories all too soon. My heart expanded yet again…..”Promise me, Fidget that you will not grow up, ok? You will be tempted, but resist the urge. I made my girls promise this very same thing and they didn’t keep up their end of the bargain, so I am counting on you to stay little as long as you can!” I swear I witnessed a grin pass your lips, and I asked myself how in the world I was ever going to leave you to go back home? How was I going to make it without seeing you daily? You are such a piece of me that it is unimaginable to think I will have to be away from you even for a few weeks. I love you so. You made me an aunt today, what an honor that is, and as your aunt, I promise to protect, spoil, love and help to wield you into the great man you will certainly be!!!! The adventure has just began and I cannot wait to see all the beautiful memories we create on this journey!!!!!!!!

Your smitten, swooning, crazy in love with you….

Auntie A

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