October 16, 2016
Hey, there my handsomest, sweetest, cutest, littlest dude! Have I told you lately just how much I love you? If not I want you to know I love you more than all the stars in the sky, every grain of sand upon the ocean shoreline, brighter than the sun, more than you could ever dream! Your mommy needed a stress relieving horseback ride and called me out of the blue asking if I would mind watching you! Say what?????? Like when would I ever MIND watching you? I had a fall event to go to but I would gladly take you along, and let me tell you, me and your cousins have NEVER got out the door that fast! I couldn’t get to you fast enough! I took you to your first trunk or treat.. I even wore this baby wearing contraption that your mom swore by. When I first tried it I looked nine kinds of discombobulated, and I told my sister that device was some kind of witchery! But once I finally got all of the buckles buckled, and myself all harnessed in, you seemed to truly love it! I never thought your auntie would ever be a “baby-wearing” type. Alas, your charm wins me over every time………..what you want you get. Apparently, this particular night you thought it would be fun to saddle up your auntie and since you aren’t big enough for horses yet, I would have to do.
Well, let me tell you that I wore you like the finest accessory, because you truly are the most beautiful thing I have ever put on! You are quite the party animal, mister! Let me tell you, while all the other kids were running, hooting and hollering, gathering candy and the likes…….you were snoozing! I mean the kind of sleep where you are out to the world, little snores coming from where you rested on my chest, and you didn’t even stir when I covered your face with kisses (I did that often). You have officially swayed me to the baby-wearing device….something I never did with my own two! SHHHHH don’t tell them! You slept, your cousins got bags and bags of goodies, I chatted with my friends, and you were the picture of perfect…….but you always are! Before I knew it, your mommy was calling for me to return you. I tell you, little sir, I never get used to saying good-bye to you. Letting you go is always like watching a piece of my heart drive away! I miss you before the tail lights even disappear into the night.
As luck would have it for your old auntie, your mommy had to work a double Saturday the 15th and she couldn’t bare the thought of leaving you with a sitter for that long. I could tell it was tearing at her heart and she was conflicted on what to do. Leave you with a sitter for the entire day or relent and allow you to have an overnight stay with me! I secretly prayed that she would choose to just let me keep ya, but I also wanted to respect her decision for what she felt comfortable with. Being a mommy, I know how tough it is to be away from your child, the first time is especially hard. That is why I would have taken no offense if she had chosen not to leave you overnight, after all you are still a wee little guy, but I got the call that friday night.
“Sis, do you think you could keep Rhett all night if I need you to?” Sis whispered and I could hear in her voice how she was battling with it.
I tried not to sound as blissful about the idea as I truly was, I wanted to squeal, and I may or may not have did a little dance, containing myself I calmly reply, “You know that you NEVER have to ask me to keep him, you tell me when and where and I will be there. If you aren’t ready for an overnight stay I understand that too, you have to do what you feel the most at peace about.”
“I know he is safe and loved with you. I also know whoever watched him would do a great job and I planned on his first overnight being with you BUT this isn’t my choice and that is making it tough.” (Now, refer to previous blogs on the fact that your mommy, love her soul, is a control freak and if she feels like she has no option she doesn’t like it…..)
“I remember how it feels to spend the first night away from both of my girls. I missed them, I knew they were okay but I missed them. They are going on 8 and 6 and I still miss them when they are gone for even one night. I will tell you that it does help when it is your sister or mom……you know they are equally loved there, and that is worth it’s weight in gold! Ultimately, though, if you would rather have someone watch him that is closer, I totally get it.” I said quietly crossing my fingers that she would sway in my direction….she does this stuff to me and it is like waving candy in front of a kid and snatching it away lol! My heart cannot take the lure of getting you only to learn that I am not!
“No, I think that if he is going to be away from me that long, I would rather know he is with you. We look a lot alike, we talk to him the same, and I think that I would feel better if I have to do this.” Her voice was filled with conflicting emotions and my heart went out to her….I didn’t envy her having to be painted into a corner like that. “I have been debating on having him have his overnight stay with you anyways, I know HE will be okay, it is ME that is going to miss him!”
Needless to say, I happily loaded up the girls the following day, met your mommy for a quick lunch and held my breath until she left the parking lot! THEN, the adventure began! I only had you for one day, and I hope those visits continue getting more frequent but I have to relish every second I can. Off to Babies R Us for our first excursion into a toy store together, I ended up leaving with a sound maker with a night light (you aren’t a fan of the dark), Baby Magic (oh, it is my favorite), a new frog toy, a mirror for you to stare at your handsome self when you are riding, and some little toys that go on your wrists. You smiled, and cooed the entire time. I placed you in the middle between your cousins and they entertained you on the way home.
When we got to the house, I was amazed at how effortless it was to just step right back into doing the baby thing! I haven’t had a baby in my house for more than a few hours in almost SIX years! I figured I would be rusty, and I was even a little scared that you might sense that and feel upset. It was like I just stepped back in time and it all came so natural. I cannot explain to you, how I instantly know what you are wanting, this cry means hungry, this cry means bored, this one means talk to me…….fluidly I just transitioned although you never really cried, just a whimper here and there! We talked, you grinned, you cooed and I let the girls feed/play/spoil you. YOU WERE LOVING IT! It is so amazing to me, that an infant can just KNOW, “THIS” is my family, and recognize voices that you don’t hear every day. You just lit up when you heard their voices, and your eyes followed them and me wherever we went.
You are such an initiative baby, I swear you know exactly what I am thinking, you hear inflections in people’s voices, you are sensitive and you don’t like anyone to sound sad. So, onwards we trudged, taking tons of pictures, videos, you even got to karaoke with the girls (they held the microphone up to you lol) you were eating it up! You were ready to crash by 8, I had sent you mommy tons of videos, and I know that comforted her. I was afraid to go to sleep in case she checked in but you gave me that little fuss that said, “HEY, AUNTIE, ummmmmmm it is bedtime and I want you to snuggle with me.” I picked you up, laid you on my chest and the sounds of your little breaths lulled me to sleep, I feel so at peace, so complete, and a confidence with you that maybe comes from raising two other babies, but I felt at ease. You slept on my chest our hearts beating against one another, and I dozed off with you securely wrapped in my embrace. You stirred a little at about 10, signaling me that you were ready to be laid in your little bed, I obeyed, placed my hand on your tiny chest to feel you breathe, before joining you in sleep land and you slept again until after 1!
I woke before you even cried, looked down and your little fists were finding their way to your mouth, so I got up, made you a bottle, when I returned your eyes were wide and I whispered to you. A slow grin stretched across that handsome face and I scooped you up, changed ya, fed then burped ya…….and the way your little eyes were cutting towards me, I knew you wanted to have a little conversation. I have never met a baby that loves to be talked to as much as you, but I LOVE it, good thing for you, if your auntie likes you, she will talk to you as long as you like and I happen to adore you…..(don’t ask about if I DO NOT like someone because this will take a whole new direction lol)
Ask your mommy, how much I like to be woke up…….I do not! But with you I just giddily got up and spent an hour chatting with you. Your favorite is when I tell you how handsome you are, you just grin. Then you tell me all sorts of things, with your coos, and your expressions, and I could listen to you for days on end! The best part of being an aunt is knowing how fleeting the time is, how fast you will grow up, how I can love and spoil and stay up all night if need be and it still will not be enough. It is the ease with which you, the way I unconsciously switch back to the days of infancy, and I soak them all in. I forgot how much I missed the sound, the presence, the smell of a baby until you visit and then it sweeps over me with a nostalgia that I can never get back. I pause a moment more when your milk drunk grin and those big blue eyes gaze up at me, I take an extra minute to just hold you close, knowing one day before I blink you will be too big to hold, I step into yesteryear bathing and lathering you with baby magic, then I breathe you in, savoring every single moment…….too soon you will be a toddler, a little boy, a man…….and coming from the other side of watching my girls seemingly overnight move from one stage to another, I am wise enough in the ways I once was not, to just relish, savor, soak it up, every little grin, smile, coo, feeding, that it makes me almost wish for just one more……one more baby to fill this home with the joys only a baby brings. Auntie A will never have the gift of another baby, and that is okay. This house will never be filled with the sound of that first laughter, that first word, unless you are here.
Thank you, Fidget, for giving me that reminder of the scent of baby magic, the joy of endless smiles for a silly voice, giving my girls a cousin, my sister a son, and me my first nephew. I hope and pray that my sister decides to grace me with more nieces/nephews but whether she does or she chooses not to, no one will ever take your place. You have given this old aunt of your’s a glimpse into the days gone by, the frailty of the passing of time, the joy of remembrance and a love like I have never had! You will ALWAYS be my littlest dude, my Fidget, my handsome cowboy, my piece of Sis, my knight and shining armor that swept me off my feet with a small toothless grin. You, my sweet baby, YOU are irreplaceable, and I want you to know whether you are 3 months or 30 years old, you can talk to me at 1 am any old time you want! I cannot wait for many more adventures that we will have! Love you with all my heart and soul! Love you, my beautiful boy, you will never know just how loved you are!
Love always you love smitten, obsessed, ready for another overnight visit, certifiably crazy about you,