What a Difference a Year Makes

My sweetest Fidget,

I am so sorry it has been a minute since Auntie A has been able to post in your blog. Life has been quite the adventure this year since you made your debut. I am trying to catch up. As I am sure you know, there has been so much going on that it is nearly impossible for me to sit in front of my computer and write to you all the musings of my heart. In your 365 days of life, you made me an aunt, made my sister a mother, made my girls a cousin, witnessed your mommy and daddy say “I do”, and will soon become a big brother! I mean, what magical being are you? You have fully engrossed my life with light and laughter, joy and obsession. I live for your giggles over my silly antics……each time I make a total fool of myself and am rewarded with your cackle…it spurs me on! I am such a sucker for all things Fidget. Your feet? Oh I could tickle them for hours! Your little fingers? You love to shove them in my mouth and even your girly auntie will allow you to do it no matter where you have been crawling…well, because you are simply delicious! LOL Your smile? I mean it is like looking at your daddy smile but seeing it reach the eyes that look just like your mommy! I mean simply enchanting. Your giggle? It has been known to coerce me to act like a total moron to passerby’s just because I love it so much and I end up in a fit of laughter when I succeed in getting that chuckle of acknowledgment. Your little voice? I love it so……my favorite word that you say is eat, eat…EAT! The way you crinkle your tiny nose, wrinkle your forehead and concentrate on pronouncing the word is like simply the absolute cutest thing I have ever witnessed (you say eat A LOT right now which makes me want to eat, eat…EAT you up)!

Your mom will say that you look just like your daddy…..oh and trust you really do look like him. Yet, those big blue eyes shaped like half moons…..well, it takes your old auntie back to the days when your mommy was a mere tot herself. Those eyes could penetrate the hemisphere and quite literally could be the answer to world peace. If ever I see those beautiful eyes crying, instinct kicks in just as it did when I was a big sister only now it is way worse. Make this terrible crying, and tears stop, there is simply no reason these precious blue eyes should cry, give that baby all the things…ALL the things just don’t let it cry! This is what I did for your mommy when she was a wee one and I do that for you multiply it by 100….even if it means singing patty cake so long your little arms are exhausted from clapping your hands to signal me (yes, I am equivalent to your personal circus).

I care not about what others think when I get my hands on you, or facetime you! I literally live to make you happy, it is my calling in life! I see your mind turning trying to interact with the world…..well, lucky for you, your auntie speaks fluent Fidgetese. I know that when you clap your hands together I am to begin singing and performing patty cake. If you stomp your feet that means for me to queue “if you are happy and you know it”. The look that crosses your handsome face when I speak your language and do what you ask is total enchantment. Like hey look at my trick, I clap my hands and my auntie does this, stomp my feet and she does that! I imagine if you were bigger you would toddle over and fetch me a treat for being a good girl lol!

No worries, Fidget, you have me trained to whenever you beckon…and I am guessing since your mom still has that effect on me that you shouldn’t worry that this will wear off in the near future…..Now, don’t pity me a fool for living to make you laugh, smile or spending countless hours playing peek a boo with a tot that just covers his face with his hand or closes his eyes…….you think you are a wizard of sorts with this trick and I am happy to continue allowing you to think that because you are magical.

Magical in the way you make me slow down, magical in the way you make my heart flutter with the mere mention of your name, magical in a way that although I love your cousins I was too deep in the thick of things to notice all the fleeting moments that I do notice with you. I notice when you no longer have “frinkles” (a term I made up when you were a newborn, yet to fill out, and your forehead would wrinkle in the cutest of ways imaginable..hence the word forehead + wrinkle=frinkle…this is the way my mind works) I still mourn the frinkles daily and with each milestone I mourn the sweet baby you leave behind. You haven’t mastered the walking thing and I am beyond okay with that. You see, my most loved Fidget, with every little achievement you make, as the mom of two young girls, I don’t see YAY a milestone as much as a bittersweet bridge to you growing up……to which I will plug my ears, shut my eyes and be in total denial for as long as I can about you growing. I look at your cousins now 6 and 8, in the wake, or much sleep deprived blur of it all, I didn’t notice their frinkles as much as I did yours. I didn’t have time to stop and admire their little words (although, I remember several). With you, I am not the tired mom with two little beings stealing my food, my sleep and my routine, nah, with you, I just get to be fun, happy every time I see you, make him giggle at all means possible, cannot get enough of him-auntie.

I still cannot believe that you are one…….no way! But what a difference a year has made. Since you were conceived you have changed everyone’s world. You have made me pause, slow down, love every minuscule thing you do and anticipate what you will do next. You made my sister a mommy…something I was unsure would ever happen but the transformation is almost supernatural as I see her love for you through every pore of her being. You made two little girls who could accurately be described without malice to be “thing one” and “thing two” with their craziness to stop and tend to your every need with a calmness that is almost scary. You were your nanny’s first grandson, your daddy’s first child, and you were a ring-bearer at your parent’s wedding. You are EPIC. I knew this from the moment I was told you were coming, and you have only solidified it……sooooooooooo what in the world could be better than a “Fidget”…well, absolutely NOTHING, except a “Nutter” one. Which is exactly what I found out after your parents wedding…….Now, I cannot fathom another perfect little creature to love and I will love him/her with all of my heart. I wonder how my heart will have enough love but before you, I didn’t deem it possible to imagine loving a child a tenth of what I love my girls….yet, you were born and somehow I loved you just as much. It was like my heart just expanded and you were in every corner that I never knew existed. I am overwhelmed with excitement for this newest little “nutty” baby, but also, simultaneously worried you will feel overshadowed (I felt this way with your oldest cousin, Braelyn when Brynlee was born which looking back was a silly notion).

I know, I know this is unrealistic to think that you would ever feel anything but love….the protective part of me wants to assure you that although this next sweet baby *nick knock name to be determined* will be equally as loved, YOU will not be loved any less! Instead, you will have a sibling (one of life’s greatest gifts and if you don’t believe me ask your mommy), you will have someone to share with, fight with, love with and learn with for the rest of this life. I prayed for this baby, just as I prayed for you, and both of you are loved beyond measure. When this “Nutter” baby comes along, as your Auntie A, I promise you, I will love you more each day, and that although this new miracle comes into this world, our bond will not be diminished. I will never forget the sweetest prince/cowboy (depending on who is telling the story) that made me a certifiable aunt! I will forever be loyal to you, whether you call me to tell me how your sibling is driving you crazy or just to chat. No one will take your place, and when this baby comes, I will of course be certifiably crazy for he/she no doubt about it……but if you are ever questioning, I don’t know just for argument’s sake, you can tell your sibling that you made me “certifiable” first! Here is to many more adventure, a whole lot more magic and a lifetime of love with my always, sweetest, most precious, littlest dude. I know you are going to be the best big brother EVER! I love you, Fidget. I love you so BIG!

Love your over-the-moon, certifiably-crazy-times-two,

Auntie A

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