A few months ago, if someone would have told me my journey would be where it is, I wouldn’t have believed them. I was unsure where my life was going. I was uncertain where my joy in life had gone. I knew not where this emptiness I felt had sprang up from. I didn’t know why I felt so broken when by all appearances my life was good. I didn’t know, but my God did! He had been pursuing my heart, he had been knocking but I hadn’t fully opened the door.
February 18th, 2020 I was invited to a unity rally. I attended to support my Uncle in his journey to God. I had no expectations for myself….oh but God did. During the service, I could feel the Holy Spirit moving. I stepped out of my seat and bowed down to whisper a prayer that God would come down and fill my uncle. I began praying fervently for all those I loved. Praying God would fill them up with His spirit….and He said, “I am going to fill you to overflowing.”
He made good on His promise. The Holy Ghost set a fire in my bones that I didn’t know was stirring. I surrendered right there in the midst of a church full of people. Everyone around me disappeared and it was just me and my Father. My heart split open, and the door I had cracked was swung wide. To my amazement, I didn’t have to seek Him, because as I was bowing He ran to me. “Welcome home, My Prodigal Child.” He whispered as He swept me up into His comforting embrace. All the broken pieces fell back together, the emptiness was filled, the joy reinstated and I felt so complete in the indescribable way that only God can complete a person.
I left that service hungry for more. You see, for 18 years I had not received the gift of the Holy Ghost and even that one time I only got a partial filling. I had been walking in the desert, all I could see was sand and the heat of the sun baked my skin, my lips were so parched they cracked and bled. Evem . I had resigned myself that I was to dwell in this dry, endless place. On my way back to my earthly home, I felt a lightness I hadn’t felt in years. Fear crept up inside me…what if I couldn’t receive the Holy Ghost again. “Oh, Jesus, I cannot be absent from your presence. I cannot go back to wondering in that desert.”
The next morning I hurriedly dressed to attend morning service. I chugged my coffee and sprinted out the door. Would He meet me there? Could I reach Him? What if He only touched me once like before and I couldn’t find my way back to Him. I just want to touch the hem of your garment, Jesus. Meet me there, Lord, and just brush me with the hem of your garment. Uncertainty crept up like it always does, fear that I might not know my way back to Him. Oh, Lord, please don’t retreat back into Heaven and leave me me back in the desert. I was prepared to beg as the service began. I was prepared to prostate myself before him, a humble beggar for the crumbs of the Spirit I could feel stirring in that tabernacle. I cast my head down as tears flooded from my eyes splatting on the floor. I wanted to make myself as small as I could be as I felt so unworthy of Him but my soul craved His presence. Before I could kneel He rushed upon me, He ran to me the way I was preparing to run to Him, and a still, small voice whispered, “You have been down there long enough. I don’t want you to touch the hem of my garment, I want to robe you in it!!!! You don’t have to beg, I have been waiting for you, my Beloved.” I felt my chin lift from my chest and my hands that were clasped in prayer shot up as my soul listened to His words. Still a doubt remained…”But God what do I do?” “Come, bask in my presence, for today My Beloved came back home!” That was all it took and though I had come to the well for a sip He poured His well on me. Joy overflowing came from the tips of my toes to the tips of my hair! I could not contain it. I had no idea what He was going to do with me but I needed to shout. I needed to dance with My Master. I needed to bow before His feet. I needed to leap, to jump, to run, to rejoice….and I did not know which to do first…..So I surrendered and the Spirit. He overflowed my cup; my unquenchable thirst was quenched. A spring of joy bubbled up, laughter and a tongue from another realm spilled from my lips. I couldn’t stop the laughter and it was a balm to my soul.
I walked into that church a pile of ash; burnt from the world and all it’s deceits and lies. Embers of smoldering soot, for my spiritual fire had been neglected for so long that the flame had died. But alas, He knew His plans for me. God had met me there at that unplanned church event that He had already planned for me to attend. He saw the ash, He saw the embers, He saw the soot…..and He was not repulsed by my lack of faithfulness at fueling my spiritual fires. No, He gathered each ash, every ember, collecting them like tiny treasures in His hands. Once He had painstakingly gathered each and every one, along with all the tears I had shed, He breathed His breath life onto them. Flames sprang up from those ashes and my earthly vessel was engulfed with a fierce Holy Ghost Fire! I allowed the it to burn every single thing that needed purged inside me at that moment, and I was unafraid even though I was sure I would perish at any moment. He was molding me, He was creating me once more, He had placed me once more on the potter’s table and He was making me a new creature in His Name! Then a still small voice poured His balm upon me, a balm of peace and triumph, and the voice grew louder, “Rise Up, RISE UP!!!!!!!!! From the ashes, I have brought forth my Phoenix!!”
I went to church a pile of ash but I left a Phoenix rising. As I rise up from oppression I can see the chains break as I spread my wings. I can fill the wind of the Heavens as I break the chains and soar out of the mirk and mire into the Heavens. Gone, is the April who was a piece of coal being burned over and over by the world…..in it’s place is the April that isn’t afraid of the fire anymore because the fire that consumes me is Heavenly. Gone is the April that was but a smoldering of embers……and in it’s place is a flame so bright that I want the whole world to see. I will keep rising up for Jesus. I will walk through the fiery pits and not be burned. I will sing His praises until He calls me home. I never want to go back to that desert…..for I know the Heaven that awaits. So if you see me smiling, or worshipping or praising God, either join me or get behind me. I will not be stopped, I will not be subdued by man. You can either join me and sprout up your wings or you can watch me fly but you will not clip my wings!!!!!!!! Oh hallelujah