Losing him or losing myself

Marriage is a blissful thing…if it is executed correctly. It can also be a very lonely place if it is left idle. I find myself alternating between both realms of reality, swinging from the rooftops, just ecstatic with my hard earned, well established relationship, and then without really a moment’s notice being in the lowest of valleys wondering what the hell happened. I find no pattern in which our marriage wanes or falls, only that I feel utterly helpless as to why it seems to hit the highest of highs when I feel like we could take down the world all the way to the lowest of lows when I question every single thing I thought defined us as a couple.

Some days it is cut and dry, just happy to be a couple, faithful and loyal to one another. Other days it feels like I love him more, then I try so long I just get numb and it seems he is the one trying to salvage this marriage………on the greatest of days we are in sync, united, equally in love and proud of what we built. Those days aren’t nearly as often as I would like. The high highs and the low lows are enough to deplete the happiest person.

I love my husband. I love that he works hard, he is reliable, he is dependable, he is constant…….yet I am only human, and I struggle wondering is this enough? This companionship that seems to come and go only when it is convenient. I miss having someone laugh at my jokes, tell me I am beautiful, or how valuable I am in this family. It is lonely when he reaches his threshold for dealing with life and I am utterly shut out without a reason or explanation. I feel totally vulnerable, alone, and I ask myself is this the day, is this the time I quit caring? Is this the day I just step away from feeling less than enough and decide I deserve more? Then he does the thing where he hugs me just tight enough and says just the right words to woo me back into feeling safe. He feels like home on those days but then just as suddenly as he becomes my safety net he sweeps it away making me feel like I am free falling into an uncertain sky or isolated on an endless peninsula of happiness and grief. I question my own resolve, why do I feel so secure one minute and then totally abandoned the next? The transition from ecstasy and complete happiness to the depths of total despair seem to have no rhyme or reason, leaving me flailing to catch my balance and left lacking.

I feel so conflicted by his actions, and I wonder if I am imagining all of the ups and downs or if I am just standing passively allowing it to happen? I only know that the journey of it all is almost more than I can bare. I often ask myself if he really knows me at all…..at times I think he must but then the deeper parts of me, the parts that feel unfulfilled make me believe he doesn’t know me at all…not at my core, not at my being, I show him just enough of me that it doesn’t reveal all of myself. I keep buried just under the false smile the girl that feels forgotten. The artist, the writer, the easy go lucky person who had a quick laugh over life’s silliness. He doesn’t get this part of me, perhaps, the essence of me. The person that accepted herself without care of what others think, the girl that enjoyed her quirkiness and relished in her individuality. Now I ask how much of me is really left and how much of me have I allowed to be molded into something unrecognizable…..the thought makes me sad in places I didn’t even know existed. Does he even know his wife is funny? The life of the party? An intellectual who loves to learn, read and perceive the world? Or have I buried that just deep enough to compromise on what he deems normal? I feel like a sell out or worse a washed up version of myself..this is not his fault it is mine for conforming to what I thought he needed instead of being who I am. I have lost my voice, I have succumbed to what makes others happy and that in and of itself makes me miserable. The rare times that I allow my true self to surface if even for a few hours I am greeted by his disappointment in me for no other reason than simply being me.

When I disappoint him for whatever reason, as I am never sure what I have done to earn his disdain, I am greeted with silence, as if my ultimate punishment is his with holding all affection or even a conversation. I find my inner self fighting to catch my breath, come to the surface of which I am drowning and find my footing. It is akin to drowning just long enough to be grateful to find my breath once more. Relentless is the pattern that each time he shuts me out I just quit caring if I surface on his safe harbor…I miss being my own safe harbor the one person I used to count on for my own happiness. I tire of conforming, of being the idea of who he or what everyone else wants me to be. I get fed up with being less than whole and with each silent reprimand I get from him, each wasted weekend I feel further from his shore…the shore I once considered home.

If it is jealousy he feels, then he is only competing with himself. He should be jealous of no one as I am loyal and faithful to a fault….but if he needs to feel jealousy he should  compete with the man that I have yet to meet, the one I think lies deep within the man I married. The only man he should fear is the man he refuses to be, the one who seeks my laughter like a starving man seeks a good meal, the man that after a long day wants only to make me smile, hear about my day, ask me what I have written in the words of my blog that day, a man who seeks just knowing me more fully, even if that means asking me what book I have my head buried in as of late, even if he doesn’t share my love of reading. I feel like the part of me that is smart, challenging and intellectual has been lost and with each day I feel her slipping further away into a place I may never regain her again! There is no man he competes with other than himself and no one that could take me from him, other than the person in me that fears losing my identity more than the loss or gain of any man.

If he cherishes me, he will cherish each part of me, the writer, the poet, the artist, the joker and all of those things that are lost on him, invaluable as they don’t relate to him, a part of me maybe he doesn’t or doesn’t want to understand. It feels like a part of me, a vital part of me has been cut off like an unimportant appendage, useless to him. Today marks day two of being ignored, like a reprimanded child. Perhaps he knows that is the greatest punishment of all…to be treated as invisible as I felt as a child helpless as to what I can control. I am no longer a child, I remind myself, I only tolerate what I think I can and that is something that makes me cringe. I am not without purpose and I am not without use. I am better than being disregarded as some play thing set aside for when I am once more useful or when he feels like I have been reprimanded enough to satisfy his purpose. It distances me in a way that makes me want to escape, yet all I want is to find my way to the place I call home, him…but only if that means I can be me 100% of the time. Hiding inside myself is no longer an option. I am worthy, I am better than being ignored or treated with indifference. I love him with all I am, his dark places, his hidden places would never make me stop loving him…but him not loving all of me….that is the one thing that could possibly push me further than his reach can extend. I cannot be something he seeks and casts aside with equal enthusiasm……I love him with all I am but at some point I have to love me more than settling for the all of him or the scraps he wants to throw my way. Either way……today I find my way back to myself, the truest version of me, and as much as I love him, losing myself in this relentless shift between happiness and despair, is more than I think even that this man I love with my whole heart is worth the loss of myself

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