Life is so funny. It moves, it bends, it bows, and it can conquer you if you allow it to…Tonight I had a strange epiphany…I remember growing up thinking what it was I wanted to be growing up…others just knew their purpose…yet, I never had an answer…”What do you want to be when you grow up, April?” As a child it seemed so easy…well, I just wanted to make people’s life better..I wanted to be a pediatrician or maybe a counselor/psychiatrist, I wanted to adopt a hundred orphans, I wanted to speak up for those that didn’t have a voice, I wanted to heal those that were afflicted, I prayed to bring a laugh to just one person’s lips, wanted to pass a little light along the way….I just wanted to make a difference…sounds so simple, doesn’t it?
Today, I contemplated what I wanted to be..then in a rash decision I decided I want to be all of them!! I cannot pick…I cannot possibly live only one lifetime..I cannot just be one thing…I am a writer, introverted and I find solace in a cubby all alone….I am also an extrovert and social, a girl who loves to just make someone’s day a little brighter. I am an artist who finds inspiration in the sunset, the sunrise, the waves crashing on the shore, I am a therapist to all my friends that need me I love my circle; my tribe and those I love, and to my default I give them advice against my better judgement…I just give my opinion which is some days hard to interpret. Bless them for entertaining my optimism and listening to my heart…I simply cannot help myself. I know I will never mother any more children…but I want to love all the children, including the three that I nearly and very possibly gave my life to, and would gladly give again. I don’t have time for just one life…I need more. I want to spend at least one life hugging my kids, another writing a book on a forgotten back road, maybe one more painting a landscape on the patio of my plantation farm in Maine beside a forgotten light house……if I get lucky quite another life loving/saving animals or people…things that I love. But, don’t you see, I am only one me…one me, one life to live, 70 years if I am lucky to fulfill all of my wants and desires……By those calculations I am half way there and that terrifies me.
I have had so many people ask me why I waste my talents. April, why aren’t you published? Why aren’t you a renowned artist? Why don’t you have a degree in medicine? etc etc…I could do any of those things if I chose to be devoted to that but that is my problem…..I have too many faucets of my personality to figure out who I am in one single lifetime…yet that is what I must do.
I don’t have a grand gesture to ensure all my friends will be alright…you will not be alright…You will suffer, you will fail, you will fly and you will fall…not a fairy tale ending I suppose…the truth is if you are reading this blog you know those things never exist..you don’t get to choose your destiny…you get to choose your path though. I love a man I would have never dreamt I would love but here I am, all in, all present, and I love that man with all that I have….ONLY, one man. You see your heart is resilient..had a friend tell me that being broken is just part of life (forgive my lack of exact quotes) but you know he was so right…when you are whole, complete, totally intact…well life is easy…yet if you are broken, fragmented, piecing yourself back together well…the good news is that broken form of you will come out a better version of yourself!
I am not sure what I am supposed to do in this one frail life I have besides hope that someone hears the words I speak or reads the words I type on blank pages….I wish to be more. Yet today, I will find comfort in scrubbing someone else’s toilets because it makes them happy, I will relish in my daughters’ arms around my neck, a little bracelet that says “Mommy”, and a little blonde haired boy that thinks his Auntie A is the funniest thing ever to grace the world! I will choose to give a little love, a lot of grace, and even more understanding to those that find themselves falling on hard times…….perhaps, that is all of my purpose? Perhaps, my calling is to lighten others burdens? I pray, before my time ceases I can do just that…love beyond measure and leave this world better than I found it…but if I should be granted more I have a thousand lifetimes in my heart, and I would be happy to live every one…since this is the only life I am promised, I am okay to just be me, because for today it is enough!